Sunday, April 29, 2012

ramblings of a Sunday afternoon

Both of my kids are asleep, my husband is gone, my mom's not answering her phone, and I need to sort through some thoughts. Here goes.

I'm really starting to resent working. I only work 10 days a month, and I'm still really starting to resent working. I can't tell whether it's a genuine desire to be a better, more hands-on mom or just my own laziness that's driving this latest lament.

If I could stay home full time I could take my kids to school and dance and birthday parties without worrying about burdening others. I could also snuggle them when they're sick instead of hassling with last minute sub plans and taking a "family leave" day to care for them (when that's even possible -- we've had to call on grandma to take care of our sickies on multiple occasions when neither of us could take a day off). And then there's the future to think about... if I didn't work, I could actually put my kids on the bus in the mornings and be here when they get home from school. I could help in their classrooms. I like to pretend that I'd have more time for cutesy crafts and fancy meals too.

Now, I know I need to be realistic. It all comes down to money, right? Right now, not only do I bring home a paycheck every month, I bring home health insurance. I understand that my 10 days a month are keeping my family afloat. Without my job, we would have no house. I get that. And I love my house. It's nothing fancy, but I feel like it defines Brad and me... not in a materialistic way but in a sentimental way.

When we got married, we moved into Brad's apartment which was attached to the Provo mortuary. I was excited to move in because it was free rent, but I really didn't think it mattered where we lived as long as we were together (my rose-colored glasses were pretty rosy, I'll admit). We decided to move out of that apartment, however, after just a few months for a couple reasons: the first being that we (okay, Brad) was sick of the work the live-in position entailed. Our job was to man any viewings held in the building and clean the building regularly. It's really not that hard but after working in the mortuary all day, the last thing Brad wanted to do was work in the mortuary all night. The second reason we chose to move was all me. I hated living in that apartment because it's where Brad lived with his first wife. Call me crazy, jealous, paranoid, whatever, but I felt like I was living in her second-hand space -- which is funny, because the thought never crossed my mind while we were dating. Anyway, I didn't like the idea of doing dishes where she did dishes, of using the same drawer for my blow dryer, of hanging my clothes in her closet.... you get the idea. I felt like a fresh space would erase her leftovers. Moving truly did help me feel like Brad's and my relationship was new, special, unique.

I won't pretend that I don't have other ongoing issues with my second wife status, but I won't get into all that now :)

Anyway, Brad and I looked at several houses and builders and even made some offers on other homes. But when we walked into this home, which was still under construction, both of us knew it was the right one. We immediately fell in love with the floor plan and the location and we lucked out in timing with the price. (In hindsight, I can see that we probably jumped the gun a little bit; no newlywed couple needs a brand new home.) We moved in just before Christmas of 2005. It's interesting to realize that ALL of our memories are in this house. We poured our blood, sweat, and tears into finishing the yard and the basement. We've furnished and decorated nearly from scratch. I finished college and ended up getting hired at a school just up the road. We've brought two babies home to this house. And now we're looking forward to having a temple practically across the street. Needless to say, I'm very attached to this plot of ground. The thought of moving makes me really sad.

And yet moving is the only way I'll be able to quit my job. We could easily move back into a mortuary apartment; there's one coming available in just a few months. We would have less than half the square footage we have now and no yard to speak of, but we could do it. I just don't know if I want to. I don't know if I want to go back to the mortuary lifestyle of cleaning and viewings and Brad working around the clock. But I feel like now all I'm doing is rambling.

The bottom line is that I'm not sure which decision is more selfish: keeping my house at the cost of giving my children the mom they deserve, or staying home at the cost of giving my family the house they deserve.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Life...

Sometimes I get the feeling that my life is really boring. It takes all my energy just to take care of my little family, and then I feel like I don't have much to show for it. The days tend to blend together in one busy blur. I guess it's a good thing God gave us cameras to capture the moments amidst the madness :)

So, here are some fleeting glimpses of what we've been up to this spring. Kaiya is becoming quite the little lady slash social butterfly. She loves preschool and dance, and spends most of her days bossing poor Ben around. (He has only recently begun to protest.) Ben is such a boy; he loves playing with balls and trains and cars, throwing things around, and making noise. He remains the sweetest little guy in the world and is still very eager to please.

Here are some random shots of our activities...

a trip to City Creek Center (which really is all it's cracked up to be).


(I've since highlighted my hair and now I'm pretty sure Alicia and I have the exact same everything.)
a round of dress-ups with Isabel in which Ben was a surprisingly willing participant


Easter morning


all dressed up in new clothes for church Easter morning. How killer is Kaiya's dress, BTW??? I love everything about it.



our annual Easter egg hunt at the Walkers'. I totally forgot to bring my kids' baskets so Kaiya had a really classy garbage bag to collect her goodies in.


Ben was kind of in his own world...


as was Kaiya, once the eggs and treats were all found.

We spent Spring Break at my parents' house in Washington, where the kids had a blast playing with Matt's and Brett's old toys. (Umm, ya, these are really the only pictures I have of the whole trip.)


These last ones are from this morning. Ben and Kaiya were so cute in their bubble bath, I couldn't not document it.

And yes, Ben does have a bit of a black eye and a puffy top lip. The poor guy seems to have inherited his dad's energy but his mom's coordination.

So concludes the longest blog post in history. I'm impressed if anybody is still reading :)